Stardust

The whimsies of an opera singer poised on the brink of......something.

fishingboatproceeds:

ohcurtains:

ofgeography:

so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!

here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:

disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.

sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.

so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—

here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:

  • it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.

so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE:

  • you have to pay for pay per view.

so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”

  • AS A FAMILY.

and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.

"i received the tv bill today," my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. "does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?"

as a reminder, a quick table survey:

  • my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)
  • my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)
  • my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)
  • me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography

silence.

my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”

silence.

my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.

my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”

  • WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?

"don’t expose my kid to that crap."

  • DON’T
  • EXPOSE
  • MY KID
  • TO THAT CRAP

"if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room."

  • I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT
  • IN THE LIVING ROOM

but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?

  • are you fucking kidding
  • i did not want to go to porn prison

the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:

  • my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for
  • my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences
  • my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences

but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?

  • are you fucking kidding
  • this is the best thing i’ve ever done

what an amazing story

Wow.

I just laughed so hard. 

(Source: bellecs, via thewindysideofcare)

I feel sorry for anyone who is in a place where he feels strange and stupid.

—Lois Lowry, The Giver (via wordsnquotes)

Me in a crowd.
Oy.

(via bluestockingbookworm)

bluestockingbookworm:

laurendestefano:

Okay, so two days after I have announced that I will not be able to participate in the gishwhes event, it is abundantly clear that these messages are still going to keep pouring in. I am omitting the name here to respect the commenter’s privacy. I wasn’t going to say anything more on the topic, but this one has me actually shaking as I type this.
1.) I can never say it better than Neil Gaiman’s “GRRM is not your bitch” blog, which is perfect in every way. I can only say it in my own way: I am a person. I wake up every morning with my own life experiences, challenges, struggles, and shit to do, just like everyone else on this planet. When I am taking pictures of my cats and live tweeting television shows, that is me taking some time out to do something fun that I enjoy, and hey, maybe my fans will enjoy it too. I am not a one-woman factory that exists to write books and then spend my free time catering to the demands of others.
2.) I cannot please everyone. Setting this gishwhes thing aside, literally every day, every day, since March 2011 when my first book was published, I have received at least one complaint from someone on the internet about something I did to make them unhappy. One day it was that I tweeted about pasta. Another day it was that I RTed too many other authors. One day I managed to make a very passionate GoT fan positively livid because I was not appreciating the depth of the dragon story arc to his satisfaction. And this is just the stuff I get that’s unrelated to my books. This is literally strangers telling me what I should say and also how I should spend my time. And no, that is never ever ever going to happen. Dictating what I do is not on your best day going to work with me. If you don’t believe me, go ask my fourth grade teacher who tried valiantly to get me to stop doodling and writing stories during social studies class.
3.) My cats make a lot of people happy. They make me happy. And this month, one of them very nearly died. I drained my energy and my bank account into saving him. I sat on my bedroom floor and cried I can’t tell you how many times in the past few days. I am not sorry if you feel that time would have been better spent writing a 140 word story so that a team of gishwhes participants have a shot at a vacation with misha collins.
4.) I have said it before and I will say it again: I am thankful for every fan that I get. I solemnly swear to write the best book for you that I can, every time. I will give it 100% every time. I can’t guarantee that you will love it, but I can guarantee that I will give it all of my heart. I will sacrifice dinners with friends. I will avoid phone calls. I will charge through my own crippling self doubt, choking on the smoke of my failures until I come through to the other side. I will read all of your emails. I will take your asks. I will read every comment you post on my wall, even if it is hateful, because I want you to be heard. But who I am and how I spend my time outside of that is MINE. There seems to be this belief among some people that authors exist to write books and that we spend the rest of our time in a boat sipping rum & coke. In fact, we are maintaining our personal relationships, handling emergencies, talking friends through a bad breakup, helping a relative in rehab, burying our loved ones who passed away, visiting our elderly and dying relatives in nursing homes, and yes, tweeting stupid comments about television shows.
5.) Buying a book is not buying an author. When you buy a muffin, do you email the baker to demand to know what he is doing with his free time that he is not currently baking more delicious muffins for you to eat right now? Do you think that because there are no blueberry muffins that day that he is wasting his time spending the day with his family? No, of course not, because that would be insane. So don’t do this to authors. You want our books? Great, buy them, awesome. Our job is to make sure they’re written and turned in on time, and in exchange you get to do whatever you want with that book after you’ve bought it or borrowed it from the library. Tear it to shreds. Insult the prose. Love it. Burn it. I don’t care, that’s your book. But the book is all that’s yours. Not me. You do not own stock into my life.
6.) Never talk to me like this. Never, ever talk to me like this. It is absolutely uncalled for. I don’t know you. I have written a book for you to read and so concludes the list of things you have a right to ask for.

Hey guys, how about we AREN’T assholes to authors?
(Or, you know, anyone… but specifically authors because they don’t owe us some magical THING because we liked their books)

How ‘bout we abide by Wil Wheaton’s first law of the internet? DON’T BE A DICK. How ‘bout we live out the best advice John Green has ever given and IMAGINE OTHERS COMPLEXLY. Kindness, people. It is priceless. End of story.

bluestockingbookworm:

laurendestefano:

Okay, so two days after I have announced that I will not be able to participate in the gishwhes event, it is abundantly clear that these messages are still going to keep pouring in. I am omitting the name here to respect the commenter’s privacy. I wasn’t going to say anything more on the topic, but this one has me actually shaking as I type this.

1.) I can never say it better than Neil Gaiman’s “GRRM is not your bitch” blog, which is perfect in every way. I can only say it in my own way: I am a person. I wake up every morning with my own life experiences, challenges, struggles, and shit to do, just like everyone else on this planet. When I am taking pictures of my cats and live tweeting television shows, that is me taking some time out to do something fun that I enjoy, and hey, maybe my fans will enjoy it too. I am not a one-woman factory that exists to write books and then spend my free time catering to the demands of others.

2.) I cannot please everyone. Setting this gishwhes thing aside, literally every day, every day, since March 2011 when my first book was published, I have received at least one complaint from someone on the internet about something I did to make them unhappy. One day it was that I tweeted about pasta. Another day it was that I RTed too many other authors. One day I managed to make a very passionate GoT fan positively livid because I was not appreciating the depth of the dragon story arc to his satisfaction. And this is just the stuff I get that’s unrelated to my books. This is literally strangers telling me what I should say and also how I should spend my time. And no, that is never ever ever going to happen. Dictating what I do is not on your best day going to work with me. If you don’t believe me, go ask my fourth grade teacher who tried valiantly to get me to stop doodling and writing stories during social studies class.

3.) My cats make a lot of people happy. They make me happy. And this month, one of them very nearly died. I drained my energy and my bank account into saving him. I sat on my bedroom floor and cried I can’t tell you how many times in the past few days. I am not sorry if you feel that time would have been better spent writing a 140 word story so that a team of gishwhes participants have a shot at a vacation with misha collins.

4.) I have said it before and I will say it again: I am thankful for every fan that I get. I solemnly swear to write the best book for you that I can, every time. I will give it 100% every time. I can’t guarantee that you will love it, but I can guarantee that I will give it all of my heart. I will sacrifice dinners with friends. I will avoid phone calls. I will charge through my own crippling self doubt, choking on the smoke of my failures until I come through to the other side. I will read all of your emails. I will take your asks. I will read every comment you post on my wall, even if it is hateful, because I want you to be heard. But who I am and how I spend my time outside of that is MINE. There seems to be this belief among some people that authors exist to write books and that we spend the rest of our time in a boat sipping rum & coke. In fact, we are maintaining our personal relationships, handling emergencies, talking friends through a bad breakup, helping a relative in rehab, burying our loved ones who passed away, visiting our elderly and dying relatives in nursing homes, and yes, tweeting stupid comments about television shows.

5.) Buying a book is not buying an author. When you buy a muffin, do you email the baker to demand to know what he is doing with his free time that he is not currently baking more delicious muffins for you to eat right now? Do you think that because there are no blueberry muffins that day that he is wasting his time spending the day with his family? No, of course not, because that would be insane. So don’t do this to authors. You want our books? Great, buy them, awesome. Our job is to make sure they’re written and turned in on time, and in exchange you get to do whatever you want with that book after you’ve bought it or borrowed it from the library. Tear it to shreds. Insult the prose. Love it. Burn it. I don’t care, that’s your book. But the book is all that’s yours. Not me. You do not own stock into my life.

6.) Never talk to me like this. Never, ever talk to me like this. It is absolutely uncalled for. I don’t know you. I have written a book for you to read and so concludes the list of things you have a right to ask for.

Hey guys, how about we AREN’T assholes to authors?

(Or, you know, anyone… but specifically authors because they don’t owe us some magical THING because we liked their books)

How ‘bout we abide by Wil Wheaton’s first law of the internet?
DON’T BE A DICK.

How ‘bout we live out the best advice John Green has ever given and
IMAGINE OTHERS COMPLEXLY.

Kindness, people. It is priceless.

End of story.